Busy-ness. Is that a word? I want to spell it “business” but of course that gives a new meaning. However you say it or spell it, spring is a busy time of year.
I haven’t written in a few weeks because I honestly haven’t had much to say. The wheels of life are turning a bit fast now and most of life is spent quickly preparing for what’s next, preparing for the endings coming up and then preparing for the SUMMER WHEN KIDS ARE OUT OF SCHOOL. I wrote that in caps to emphasize how that feels to this stay at home Mom and as I am sure it feels to parents in general. I’m guessing we all have some form of panic around school getting out.
Part of me is thrilled about beach trips, days at the pool and spontaneous fun. But the panic part is wondering this … Will I survive sibling spats/long days/”I’m bored”/extensive play dates, etc. and be the creative, patient, disciplined Mom I hope to be? Will I stay focused on what is important- loving and teaching my children? I can only hope for more days than not – let’s be realistic after all.
I am proud of that last sentence as I am a recovering perfectionist. Perfectionist traits never got me far- my brand of perfectionism just seems to hold me back. I have been reminded lately of how important it is to focus on God’s grace. I know that is what Christian faith is all about but somehow I forget what grace really means for me sometimes. A few weeks ago the corporate confession part of worship at our church was meaningful to me:
“We confess, O Lord, that we fail you most when we fail to trust your grace. It is regrettable enough when we sin but refuse to admit it. We perhaps sin more when we so distrust the Gospel that we refuse to accept your grace. How wrong we were when we thought you owed us for our faithfulness. How wrong we remain when we think that we are not loved simply because we do not deserve it. “
The last line brought the point home to me. No matter how much I learn about Christian teachings, I think I continue to miss that God loves me regardless of anything that I do or don’t do. That perfectionism is hard to root out. I pray for a deep realization of God’s love and grace for myself and all of us panicking parents out there.
Today in sunday school we practiced walking meditation outside on the church grounds. It must have looked quite odd to people in cars and the lone cyclist going by, not to mention the neighbors: approximately 25 people walking as slowly as possible, not looking at each other, and walking in circles!
Our task set before us from our guest teacher, Susan Marney, a local counselor, was to try “Sabbath in action”, movement as a way to rest in God. We were instructed to walk slowly in rhythm with our breathing (breathe in on one step and out on the next) OR to try seeing how long we could take with each step. Both of these practices offered a way to increased mindfulness, being more present in the moment and more open to God.
I tried the first option – rhythmic walking and breathing. Compared to sitting meditation, I found walking meditation to be immensely easier. The movement helped my attention to be more focused on the meditation and I had less intrusive thoughts. Susan suggested that we could add mantras to say to ourselves during the walk. I chose one of her suggestions: On my inhalations I thought about breathing in God’s love and on exhalations about breathing out judgment.
The comments from the group following the meditation were positive with people stating that they were more aware of their surroundings and appreciated them more. We were serenaded by birds and smelled lovely bushes around us. Many people, me included, were surprised at how the 10 minutes we walked seemed short. We were expecting this slow walking to feel laborious I think. I left the class feeling markedly calmer and could feel the calming effects throughout the day.
I will continue walking meditation this week although the walking route in my bedroom will be short! It will be interesting to see if the movement continues to help me focus and if the calm remains. We discussed in class today that if you are more present in the moment in your relationships, you are likely to be more authentic in your responses and a real connection is more likely to occur. My calm today did seem to make me more present in the moment with people. I enjoyed great interactions with my children today. It will be interesting to see if that continues too.
This week is “National Turn Off Your TV Week”. For many of us, it is hard to imagine doing this. My first thought when I heard about this yesterday was, “But it’s the Project Runway finale show this week!”. I do enjoy a good TV show but it sometimes gets in the way of positive things in life.
Back in November, I decided to quit TV for a while because I had fallen into the habit of watching 2 hours or sometimes more a night. Instead, I read novels (which I love), got to bed earlier, spent more time talking to my husband, and got a few more things done at night than is typical. I enjoyed the change immensely because I was more rested, more productive and more connected in relationships and therefore less stressed.
Lately I have fallen back into nighttime TV watching. It happens when I am tired enough that I can’t imagine doing anything else but lie on the couch but I don’t want to go to bed yet. So I watch one show, then another good one is coming on and I still don’t want to get up... It becomes a cycle of being tired because I stayed up watching TV!
This cycle is counter-productive to a morning meditation practice. So, I will try to resist the urge to escape to TV tonight and instead get some sleep. I miss both the rest that I need from sleep and the rest that I receive from starting the day being quiet with God. I was reminded at the recent Edmunds Lecture at our church of Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s quote, “Our hearts are restless until we find rest in thee.” While I certainly don’t think TV is all bad, I do want to keep it in better perspective. It is just entertainment after all and it does not offer the true rest that I seek.
I'm taking a week off from writing - please check back next Monday.
Well, I “fell off the (meditation) wagon” this week. Six fifteen in the morning came and I slept on. I think it must have been my son’s case of croup that had me up in the night, or the upcoming holiday/spring break preparation or something. I had every intention to wake up to practice. I am surprised how naturally I fell back into sleeping in and then waking up and jumping into the day without a thought of what I had committed to.
I attended the Good Friday service of darkness, scripture and music at church this week. In the Good Friday scripture passages, everyone (excepting Jesus) has some fault. The disciples are betraying Jesus. Peter even curses and swears that he does not know him when pressed. The story is ugly- casting lots for his clothes, taunts coming from the ones who are being crucified beside Christ. When you really listen, it is shocking. The story is so ugly in fact that I have often moved on quickly past Good Friday to the joy of Easter morning. But Good Friday is about screw-ups like me - that’s the whole point right?
I both reveled in the darkness of the Good Friday service and was frustrated by it. The darkness allowed me to focus in a new way in church, blocking out all that you normally see. But I was also wishing that I could see the bulletin and know what was coming up next or what the title to that instrumental song is. In the Easter story, the disciples were “in the dark” for sure, not knowing, not understanding the unfolding events. Centering prayer has me “in the dark” to an extent - certainly not in control.
Dealing with our imperfection, being “in the dark”- we don’t want to spend much time with these. But spending time struggling with my own humanity points me to my need for God and Christ and leaves me thankful that “He is Risen!”.
My family has just completed a HECTIC week. Swim lessons overlapped with tee ball. Grandparents were in town and home renovations were getting done. My daughter had her first school project and my volunteer commitments had me particularly busy. My kids are still little and we are already running the family rat race!
At the same time, the question, “why meditate?” has been rattling around in my mind. I have been second guessing my decision to pursue this spiritual discipline as I struggle with it. Why not a Bible study? or an intercessory prayer group? I found an answer at the second session of a book study on Ron Taffel’s parenting book "Childhood Unbound".
Taffel points to a change in the pace of life over the past 20 years or more. This shift has taken parents away from offering children periods of undivided attention and a calm household to a lifestyle of managing children’s schedules while multi-tasking. He describes the end result as parents and children missing out on deep engagement. While I cannot go into a thorough discussion of his points here, I recommend this thought-provoking book.
Considering the potential negative results for children of a pressure-filled and hurry-up lifestyle made me realize why my inner longing to find quiet is important. A more tranquil and focused internal world offers me an opportunity to parent more effectively. Making decisions not with the internal clutter of what will people think or what is everyone else doing but rather what is right for my child and my family is important to me. I want to respond to my kids with an open and calm attitude more often in those frenzied moments.
Why meditate? Hopefully to be more present with my children.
Have you ever started a project and then, realizing fully what it entailed, wondered what you have gotten yourself into? Trying to begin a meditation practice has been like this for me. I have been astounded by the internal “clutter” that is swirling around in my head once I sit down to be quiet. Has that level of background noise always been there?
I have spent a couple weeks now getting up at 6:15am and first warming up my body by doing a little yoga (wakes me up and allows me to sit without being so stiff) and then sitting in quiet for 20 minutes. I have been practicing centering prayer. I attended a workshop 2 weeks ago on this type of prayer that was fortuitously timed- basically training I needed right when I needed it. Even with the training (and an ongoing centering prayer weekly group that I joined), I feel like how the kids on my daughter’s tee ball team look during practice- goofy and uncoordinated as they throw the ball. I am trying to take a lesson from the tee-ball kids and just enjoy the process of trying something new and not worry about my performance.
Centering Prayer is a not a performance oriented activity anyway – and I think that is part of what it makes it challenging. It goes against the grain of our typical goal setting, action-oriented, mark your progress ways. My struggles to “achieve” this method of prayer miss the point of the practice.
The purpose of the prayer is to rest in the presence of God and to eventually experience a greater intimacy with God. The idea behind it is that the deepest center of our selves is closest to God (from Thomas Merton) - that part that is underneath all the “noise” in my head. My role in the prayer is only to give myself to God with an open heart and mind –it is often called the “prayer of consent”. The method of the prayer is to sit in silence, with eyes closed and saying a “sacred word” of my choosing. The “sacred word” is used as a symbol of consenting to God’s presence and to avoid getting distracted by my thoughts. This isn’t anything technical- my word is “resting” but it can be any simple word.
My meditation practice has been going something like this: I say to myself “resting” and then my mind starts to think about what someone said last night or how I wonder if my kids will have any clean socks today, etc. Then I say “resting” again trying to avoid getting hooked by my thoughts and on it goes. It is easy to get frustrated but the training was very specific in that you gently take your mind away from your thoughts, as thoughts are natural to us humans, and refocus on consenting to God by saying your word. I understand it gets easier. I’ll keep you posted.
Two encouraging ideas from my training that keep me going:
1. God can take that half a second in between your thoughts and use it.
2. Saying your word is an act of devotion to God and so at least I am spending my time repeatedly affirming my devotion to God, however awkwardly.
My information about centering prayer is coming from Contemplative Outreach. For more information try www.contemplativeoutreach.org . Many thanks go out to Judi Barnes and Cave Spring United Methodist Church for the workshop on centering prayer.
